Ep. 147: Rough, Raw... & Risky?

From playful slaps to intense moments that blur the line between pleasure and pain, rough sex is happening everywhere. But how much do we really understand about this rising sexual trend? Is it about pushing boundaries for excitement, or are there hidden dangers that we often overlook? What is really going on behind closed doors? 

In this episode, we explore the complex world of rough sex. Is it an expression of desire or something darker? We will discuss how rough sex has seeped into mainstream culture and what it means for modern relationships. What is driving this growing trend... this growing curiosity, and how do we navigate the fine line between thrill and safety? Whether you have experimented with rough sex or are wondering what it really means, this episode will answer questions you didn't even know you had. Tune in for a conversation that will open your mind, challenge assumptions, and help you figure out where your boundaries truly lie.

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Transcript

Rough, Raw... & Risky?

Welcome to America’s top sexuality podcast, Dr. Sex Fairy. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America’s favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. Today, we are tackling a topic that is both controversial and widespread: the growing trend of rough sex. Rough sex has become increasingly normalized in today’s culture, from pop music lyrics to porn, to even conversations between friends. 

What is particularly disturbing is how this trend has escalated to involve extreme behaviors, many of which carry real physical and emotional risks. But first, what is rough sex? And at what point does it cross the line between consensual alternative sexual practices and disaster? Where should that line even be drawn for most couples? There is a critical need for us to have an open, honest conversation about what rough sex is, why it’s becoming so common, and how we can ensure that we are prioritizing safety, consent, and healthy intimacy.

Let’s start by looking at how rough sex has become normalized in society. Rough sex refers to sexual acts that include choking, slapping, biting, spanking, hair-pulling, and verbal degradation. While these acts have long been part of consensual kink and BDSM practices, they have now spilled over into mainstream sexual behavior—often without the same level of communication and safety measures that exist within kink communities.

In a study published by the Journal of Sex Research, 47% of men and 57% of women reported that they had engaged in some form of rough sex in the last year. It also found that younger people, particularly those in the 18-24 age group, are more likely to experiment with rough sex, with 62% of women in this age bracket saying they had been slapped or choked during sex. This shows how deeply ingrained rough sex has become in the sexual experiences of younger generations.

Research has shown that 88% of pornographic scenes contain some form of aggression, with women being the target in most of these scenes. The aggressive behaviors in porn often include choking, slapping, spitting, and verbal degradation—all of which are portrayed as normal, desirable parts of sexual intimacy. What’s more troubling is that many young people are learning about sex through porn, rather than through comprehensive sex education. 

A 2018 study by the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 72% of teenagers had seen pornography by the age of 18, and 46% of them reported that porn was their primary source of sexual education. This is a major issue because it means that many young people are entering their sexual relationships with skewed ideas about what healthy sex looks like.

A 2019 study from the Journal of Communication found that 56% of people aged 18-29 said that they had seen porn featuring choking, and 44% of them reported trying it in their own sexual encounters. I have said many times previously, pornography should be seen as adult entertainment not sex education. People watching porn should not let this violence bleed over into their own lives, especially the adults who know better. Violent rough sex is a choice. You don't have to do it.

Let’s dig deeper into why this trend is troubling. Rough sex, when consensual and communicated properly, can be a healthy part of some couples' sexual repertoire. But the problem arises when it is performed without discussion, without consent, when one partner feels pressured into it and when it goes too far. In many cases, rough sex can lead to physical harm, long-term emotional trauma, and even fatalities.

One particularly alarming practice is choking. The concept of erotic asphyxiation isn't new. While it is becoming more prevalent in sexual relationships, choking is incredibly dangerous. The act of restricting someone’s airflow—even for a short period a single time—can result in permanent brain damage. Choking during sex can cause cerebral hypoxia, where the brain is deprived of oxygen. Even a single episode of hypoxia can lead to memory loss, cognitive impairment, an increased risk of stroke, and more.

A disturbing study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2022 surveyed a total of 4254 randomly sampled undergraduate and graduate students. They completed a confidential online survey during Spring 2021. Researchers found that 81.7% of those being choked found it pleasurable or even euphoric. In a 2020 survey by The Independent, 72% of women under 40 reported that they had been choked during sex. The same survey found that one in five women said they had been left feeling frightened, violated, or uncomfortable after being choked. 

The risks of choking aren’t just theoretical. Between 2014 and 2020, there was a 90% increase in hospital visits related to sexual injuries involving choking and other forms of aggressive sex, according to data from the UK’s National Health Service (NHS). These numbers are mirrored in other countries, including the United States, where emergency room visits linked to rough sex have also skyrocketed in recent years. I know what I am talking about. I have personally witnessed the rise of this trend during my time working in Emergency Departments in the US.

The normalization of rough sex isn’t happening in a vacuum—it is being actively promoted by media and celebrities. Let’s talk about Lana Del Rey, who faced widespread criticism for her 2014 song “Ultraviolence,” in which she sings, “He hit me, and it felt like a kiss.” These lyrics romanticize violence and paint a dangerous picture of intimacy. Many people—including Elena Cardone—spoke out about how these lyrics glorify rough sex and blur the lines between love and violence. Elena Cardone posted a video on Instagram in which she was brought to tears discussing this topic. As a mother of young girls she was horrified that a woman was romanticizing violence towards women.

Sadly, Lana Del Rey is not alone. There are plenty of other singers who often reference rough sex in their music, making it appear not only acceptable but expected in sexual relationships. When celebrities openly talk about their enjoyment of rough sex, it adds to the growing perception that this is the norm, or that it should be.

But what is most concerning is that rough sex is being portrayed in popular media without a deeper conversation about consent and safety. In some TV shows, rough sex scenes are often depicted without any clear understanding of the harm they could cause. This normalization is dangerous because it suggests that rough sex is something everyone should be doing, even when it carries severe physical and emotional risks.

Real-life stories of people suffering serious harm from rough sex encounters are becoming increasingly common. The UK-based organization We Can't Consent to This states on its website: “This is a response to the increasing use of “rough sex” defences to the killing or violent injury of women and girls. There are at least 60 UK women killed and many more injured. We are extremely concerned by normalised violence against women in sex.” It goes on to list harrowing stories of these women. Their stories come with their photographs bringing home the fact that these are real people who died needlessly. Sex should be fun and pleasurable, not something that kills you.

In one tragic case, Grace Millane, a British backpacker traveling in New Zealand, was killed during a rough sex encounter in 2018. Her killer, Jesse Kempson, claimed that she had asked to be strangled. While the defense argued that it was a case of "rough sex gone wrong," the jury ultimately convicted Kempson of murder. This case sparked international outrage and led to growing discussions about the dangers of choking and other extreme rough sex acts.

Grace Millane’s story is not unique. The number of women killed during consensual rough sex encounters has shot up in the last decade. While some of these deaths were accidents, many of them were the result of non-consensual violence masquerading as rough sex. These cases are reminders of the extreme risks associated with rough sex, especially when practices like choking are involved. It is crucial for people to understand that what they see in porn or hear in music is often a far cry from the realities of engaging in these activities.

Beyond the physical risks, rough sex can also have a significant emotional toll on both partners, especially when there is miscommunication or a lack of consent. While some people may genuinely enjoy rough sex, many others engage in it because they feel pressured or believe it's what’s expected of them. This can lead to a host of emotional and psychological issues, including feelings of discomfort, fear, and resentment, and much of this emotional damage can last a lifetime.

A 2020 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that 1 in 5 women who had experienced rough sex reported feeling coerced into it. These women expressed that they didn’t feel fully comfortable with the acts they engaged in but went along with them because they believed it was “what men want” or because they feared that rejecting rough sex would harm their relationship. This dynamic is particularly concerning because it highlights how cultural pressure and the normalization of rough sex can lead people to engage in behaviors that are emotionally damaging.

The same study also revealed that many participants experienced negative emotions after engaging in rough sex. Women who felt coerced often reported feeling shame, regret, or emotional distress following the encounters. Some said they felt emotionally disconnected from their partner, while others reported that their experience with rough sex led them to feel less comfortable with future sexual encounters.

Men, too, can experience emotional fallout from rough sex, particularly if they are unaware of their partner’s discomfort. Some men reported feeling guilt or confusion after engaging in rough sex, especially when they sensed that their partner wasn’t fully comfortable with what was happening. These feelings can lead to emotional distancing, communication breakdowns, and tension within the relationship.

All of these issues highlight the importance of consent and communication in any sexual relationship, especially when it comes to rough sex. While rough sex can be consensual and enjoyable for some, it is vital that both partners are on the same page and that boundaries are clearly established. The conversation should include limits, safe words, and ongoing check-ins throughout the experience to ensure that both people are enjoying themselves and that no one feels pressured or uncomfortable. These discussions aren’t just optional—they are essential to ensuring that rough sex remains consensual and safe.

One of the keys to reclaiming intimacy and respect in relationships is education. We need to teach people about the importance of consent, not just in a legal sense, but in an emotional and psychological sense. Consent isn’t just about getting a verbal “yes”—it’s about ensuring that both partners are comfortable, informed, and enthusiastic about what’s happening. It’s also about ongoing communication. Consent isn’t a one-time thing; it needs to be checked in on throughout the sexual encounter to make sure everyone is still comfortable.

Additionally, we need to shift the focus from aggressive, performative acts to mutual pleasure and emotional connection. Sex should be about exploring intimacy, building trust, and making sure that both partners are enjoying themselves. Rough sex may be pleasurable for some people, but it should never come at the expense of someone’s emotional well-being or physical safety.

As a society, we need to take a step back and rethink what we consider to be healthy sexuality. Pornography, celebrity culture, and media have all contributed to the notion that sex needs to be extreme, aggressive, or performative to be exciting or fulfilling but this isn’t true. Healthy sex is about mutual respect, pleasure, and emotional connection. No one should ever feel forced into a sexual practice that makes them feel unsafe or uneasy.

We also need to provide more comprehensive sexual education that goes beyond the basics of anatomy and reproduction. People should be taught about the emotional, psychological, and physical aspects of sex, as well as the importance of boundaries, communication, and consent. This kind of education will help people make more informed, safer choices in their sexual relationships and will reduce the pressure to engage in rough sex simply because it’s seen as “normal” or “expected.”

As we have discussed today, rough sex has become increasingly normalized, but the risks associated with it—both physical and emotional—cannot be ignored. While some people may enjoy rough sex and engage in it consensually, the rise of aggressive behaviors like choking, slapping, and verbal degradation highlights the need for better communication, consent, and safety in intimate relationships.

We have seen the dangerous consequences of rough sex gone wrong, from tragic deaths like Grace Millane to the rise of hospital visits related to sexual injuries. We have also seen how media and pornography have contributed to the normalization of rough sex, often without providing a realistic portrayal of the risks and consequences involved.

It is time for us to reclaim intimacy and respect in our sexual relationships. Rough sex may be popular, but it’s not for everyone—and that’s OK. The most important thing is that both partners are comfortable, informed, and enthusiastic about what is happening in the bedroom.

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of Dr. Sex Fairy. If you enjoyed this conversation, be sure to subscribe to the podcast, leave a review, and share it with your friends. You can also follow me on Instagram @therealdrsexfairy, TikTok @drsexfairy, and subscribe to my YouTube channel Dr. Sex Fairy. If you want to consult with me, fill out the contact form at drsexfairy.com or call my office at 1-877-DRSEXFAIRY. Links for both Dr. Sex Fairy Supplements and The Pump by Dr. Sex Fairy are available in the podcast description below.

I would like to leave you with this thought. Passion without respect is meaningless, so make sure that your sex life is as safe and mutually pleasurable as it is exciting. Until next time.